NOPE.: January 2009

This latest installment of my blog is inspired by hair --- hair on yo face. I stumbled across a blog called Beard Revue by Michael Buchino and felt compelled to repost some of his entries. This man is my hero; he manages to critique facial hair with art and design principles such as gestalt psychology and chiaroscuro.
WHO DOES THAT?!
You must go view his blog, I cannot even begin to summarize the clever awesomeness -- i can't get enough.

Metrognome --

It’s that time of year again, when the thermometer drops below 40, and suddenly the streets fill not just with dry leaves and black ice but urban guys suddenly transformed into lumberjacks. The beards grow, the sweaters come out, and seemingly overnight, the cities are crammed with scrawny Hemingways. You know what I'm talking about: the Metrognome.
The metrognome comes in several forms. There is the archetypal Pacific Northwestern/Western metrognome, of course, attired in flannels and beard year-round. The metrognome was originally identified, in fact, in San Francisco. The southern metrognome has been known to evoke the Civil War. Then there is the seasonal metrognome, who comes out only when the weather grows cold. This varietal wears a beard, yes, but his clothing also becomes considerably more rugged than is his wont, or than is necessary in an urban environment. The metrognome is not to be confused with the Bear, who is characterized by a certain natural burly hirsuteness. The metrognome transformation, by contrast, is completely inorganic and owes nothing to actual appearance. As “metro” implies, there is an element of deliberate grooming and styling involved.

The metrognome will often claim a beard is for warmth. But there is also an element of dandified defiance to it: the metrognome says: I am not part of “the system.” The establishment has no hold on the metrognome! His appearance implies: in my heart, I am cut out for the challenges of the wild. I master the elements and am obscurely connected to an earlier time. When the writers’ strike occurred, talk show hosts couldn’t go metrognome fast enough. Whereas most metrognomes have to deal with the awkward growing-out stage for a few weeks in November, their public shearing was a Samson-like loss of metrognome powers. And does the metrognome have powers? Well, anecdotal reports are inconclusive: some women find the metrognome cozy and cuddly; others somewhat silly and scratchy. One thing is for sure: he’s coming to a microbrewery near you, and the time is nigh.

This piece was brilliantly written by Sadie Stein and nabbed from Jezebel, a magazine of which I had never heard until today.

OZZIE --

Ozzie, the telecommunications hobbyist and self-proclaimed space information nerd, has an excellent beard. Though he’s a bit old to be a space cadet anymore, it’s nice to know there is some initiative to put a good beard in space.

Ozzie’s straightforward approach leaves no room for flare, but maintains a well-suited personality. The beard is long enough to inform the casual observer that Ozzie is an out-of-the-box thinker yet trim and proper enough to say “hey, I’m not an eccentric.” The chiaroscuro of flesh and hair may seem basic here, but he masterfully developed it further over time.

Sometimes simple is just better. Also, he’s wearing a spacesuit, which is awesome.

BEARDS OVER BABIES --

This shirt is not encouraging men to dangle their beards over babies.
It’s simply stating that, like paper over rock,
beards always win against babies.

This comic explains: